Broken
by Unknown and Unnamed
Summary: Life isn't fair, and sometimes it'll slap you right in the face. Simon's life has basically become a living hell. There's a bully who's sexually harassing him, a father who's too worried for his own good, and siblings who just want to help. It looks like the ups and downs of a teenager have just begun.
1. Internal Conflict

**This is for a mature audience. Suicidal thoughts, self-harm, mild swearing, mild violence, hints of lust, and bullying are mention throughout the story. **

**O.o**

"_When people hurt you over and over, think of them like sandpaper. They may scratch and hurt you a bit, but in the end, you'll be polished, and they'll be useless," –Chris Colfer_

**_page break_**

"Fag!" A boy yelled as he slammed Simon's body harshly against the metal lockers in the school hallways. He pinned his arms down to his sides as he moved his face unbearable close to the other's face. His breath was stale and his grip was strong. Simon bit his lip as he tried to hold back tears.

Simon had been in situations like this before. It started back in elementary school, but that was all child's play. Name-calling and making faces wasn't too bad. By 5th grade, they bullies had stepped it up a notch. "Accidental" shoving in the hallways, tripping, and the occasional slap on the back of the head. Things escalated quickly from 5th grade. Physical and emotion abuse followed when someone told the whole school that Simon Seville was gay. There was no escaping this emotion hell. What was high school going to be like? 8th grade was bad enough. How much worse could it get?

"Whatch thinking Snowflake?" Nathan asked seductively. "You want _it_?"

Simon tried to squirm out of his tight grip.

"No!" He replied. His voice was shaking. "Just because I like boys doesn't mean I like you!"

"Why not? I'm so…" He paused winking. "Sexual…" Nathan purred.

**_page break_**

"There you are! Where have you- what happened to your lips? They're all… bruised…" Jeanette said worryingly. She led Simon over to the lunch table with the rest of the gang. Simon averted his gaze away from the rest of the group. His face was red from embarrassment. There was no way he was going to let everyone know what had happened just a few minutes ago.

"Simon." She said softly looking into the empty eyes of her counterpart. "What happened?"

He looked away slowly. The others at the table looked concerned too.

"Nothing, Jeanette. I… just got… um… hit in the face during PE."

"We have PE together, and I can tell you that we don't have PE today." Alvin interjected looking at his brother.

"Um… right." He mumbled. "I was…" _'Damn! What class did I just come from? Come on, think! What is wrong with me?' _

"Simon?" Jeanette said softly.

"I fell. Um… I was reading a book and I ran into the wall." Simon lied. It was the best he could come up with in his current mental state.

"And you wonder why you were voted "student most likely to fall down"." Brittany said as she looked down at her nails.

"Brittany!" Eleanor scolded. "Not now."

Brittany scoffed in annoyance for being told off be her little sister.

"Um… I'm not really hungry. I'll see you guys later." Simon mumbled quickly leaving the lunch table. He gathered his barely touched lunch try and exited out of the lunch room. He sprinted to the nearest bathroom and locked the stall door.

Simon's breathing was heavy and jagged. He leaned his back against the cool stall door as he tried to compose himself. A wave of nausea hit Simon quickly. Food. It was beginning to turn against the teen. He barely ate at home and tried to stomach some food down at lunch so his brother and friends would suspect anything to be wrong. Simon never thought that just a bit of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich would cause him the need to physically eject his stomach.

'_No. Keep it down. This isn't healthy for you, and you know it. Everything is okay…'_

'_**Lie.'**_

'_No. No, it's not.'_

'_**Bull! Don't tell me people call you a fag in the hallway because they care about you!'**_

'_Why are you doing this to me?!'_

'_**Is it really I doing this to you? Or are you belittling yourself. Essentially, I am you.'**_

'_Shut up!'_

'_**Nawh... I'm just getting started.'**_

Simon rose to his keens and gripped the toilet firmly. He could feel his hands and arms shaking violently. His vision blurred over as he felt the acidy taste of vomit in his throat. There wasn't any controlling this today.

**_page break_**

'_Algebra II… done… Physical Science… worksheet… English- um… read The Unvanquished…' _Simon felt his head throbbing as he tried to think of his classes from that day and what homework he hadn't done. He leaned his elbows onto the bottom of his locker and rubbed his temples. His eyes were tightly shut, and he felt light-headed.

'_I'm not going to faint. I'm not going to faint. Just sit down for a minute.' _

"Simon! Are you going to the library again?" Theodore called out to his brother. Simon turned his head towards Theodore instantly regretting it. His vision became blurred with black spots. He grabbed the side of his locker to stabilize himself.

"Um… yeah. I um… will be home around 4:30." Simon replied in a weak voice. Theodore nodded, but looked unease.

"Your face is really pale." Theodore noted. Simon blinked a few times trying to comprehend what was happening.

"Wa- oh, um… I guess I'm getting sick?" It was more of a question than an answer. Theodore seemed unsatisfied with the answer, but let it slide for the time being. He knew if Simon wasn't going to speak now, there was no reason to peruse the conversation.

"Okay… well, see you at home." Theodore said as he walked off to go meet Alvin and the chipettes in their usually waiting spot outside the school.

**_page break_**

The cool air of the library felt great to Simon. He just needed to sit down and have some peace and quiet.

Simon had two main reasons he had started coming to the library after school. One was to avoid Nathan and his cronies. Simon couldn't count how many times they had tried to physically assault him when he was walking to the end of the sidewalk. Going to the library for an hour was the best way to avoid even seeing them in the first place.

Second of all, it was a great place to compose himself. The room was quiet and always cool. He folded his arms put and rested his head on them.

'_**You're a wuss.'**_

'_Go away, I'm not in the mood.'_

'_**You're never in the mood… if you know what I mean…'**_

'_Stop.'_

'_**I find it amusing how you're having not only conflict with the world around you, but internal conflict with yourself.'**_

'_Who are you….?' _

'_**I've told you before. I am you.'**_

'_But… you're… I'm not… but I can't…'_

'_**What? You're a bully? Perhaps. A bully is someone who hurts someone physically or emotionally. What's the difference between them and yourself?'**_

'_I don't understand…'_

'_**There's more to you then I think even you know.'**_

'_How am I even able to have these conversations with myself?'_

'_**You lack attention, slightly desperate… You've created me out of pure loneliness.'**_

'_Well I want you to go away.'_

'_**I'm here to stay until you decide to do something.'**_

'_You're not implying…?'_

'_**What if I was? Do you think anyone would really miss you if we were gone?'**_

Simon opened his eyes with a quick jerk. That damned voice. If it didn't go away… but what if it was right? Could leaving this earth really be the answer to happiness? The young boy had never really thought much of suicide before, because, quite frankly, he knew he was too weak to do such a task. But, at the rate he was at mentally, it seemed like a better and better idea every day.

'_I wouldn't… I couldn't…'_

'_**You never know if you never try.'**_

"You're not helping!" Simon half-whispered to himself. He looked up at the clock. 4:15. Nathan and his band of idiots should be gone by now. Besides, he told Theodore he'd be home by 4:30.

Simon slowly stood up. He gripped the table for support so he wouldn't faint in the middle of the library and started his walk home.

'_**You wanna have another talk?'**_

'_Not really.'_

'_**You sure?'**_

'_It's not like you're going to listen to me.'_

'_**It pains me to see you mature so fast.'**_

'_Your existence pains me.'_

'_**That hurts.'**_

'_You hurt.'_

'_**Can emotion really hurt? It's abstract. It's not tangible. How come words hurt so much Simon? If I told you that you are amazing in everything you do, how come that doesn't hurt?' **_

'_It's not the word, it's the meaning.'_

'_**But aren't words just sounds put together? How can a sound hurt you?'**_

'_I… I don't know.'_

'_**I'm not hurting you. What you think the word means is hurting you. But then again, what the word means is just more words that are just more sounds put together. It's like a foreign language… it doesn't hurt you because you don't understand what the sounds mean. But what about babies? They don't understand when an abusive parent is shouting hatred at them, yet they still cry. Why? Tone is a key factor; wouldn't you agree? If I said that I was going to burn you in a really sweet way, what would happen? You'd be creped out, but why? I said it nicely; why are you creped out? Are certain tones and sounds not supposed to be put together, or-'**_

'_Enough! This isn't philosophy 101. When did I become so… deep?'_

'_**Depression can do a lot of weird things to you. Wouldn't you agree?'**_

**_page break_**

**The Voice—not to be confused with the TV show—will be a big part of the story. Let me know if you think I'm over-using it. Since this is a serious story, I thought it'd be a good tool for some comic relief. **

**Review please. **


	2. Self-harm

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed and gave feedback. It really means a lot. **

**_page break_**

As soon as Simon got home, he ran up to his room and locked the door. His breathing was labored and he held his hand up to his chest to try and calm down. He slowly slid down the door. No one had really noticed him. That was good.

'_Breath. Breath. Hyperventilating is not going to help.'_

Simon looked around his room and over at his bed. He felt his warm tears cascade down his cheeks and onto his lips. The diluted salty flavor almost made him gag. Hiccups and an increased heart rate were not helping the situation.

'_I told myself I would stop… but…'_

He couldn't handle it. He needed some kind of relief. He walked towards his bed and lifted the mattress up to reveal a small pocket knife. He pulled the blade out and examined it. Still just as sharp as it was in 7th grade. He pressed it firmly into the skin on his arm. The already existing scars easily tore as the knife came in contact with them. Simon watched as fresh blood came dripping out of his arm and onto the knife. He could feel himself chocking on his tears. Then, relief. Endorphins. Chemicals released by the brain to help make someone feel happy or to help someone cope with pain. When we get hurt, our brain releases these chemicals that block pain signals from reach the brain as quickly as we can so we don't feel as if we are dying every time we get a paper cut. By releasing endorphins Simon was able to just forget that he was miserable almost every second of every day.

'_**See, you're a smart boy. You know what's best for you.'**_

'_Yeah…'_

'_**How can something that makes you feel good be bad? Well… I guess crack is- '**_

'_I don't care, and the last thing I need right now is a philosophical rant!'_

A knock.

Simon almost chocked and dropped the knife into one the cuts. Who was at the door? Why were they ate the door? Do they need me now? Can they hear anything? Simon's head was swimming with thoughts once again and his head immediately started to ache. He was not only stressed out, but the fact that his arm was dripping blow with a knife in it… there would be no talking his way out of this one. He had to think quickly. He needed to calm down so he could sound like he wasn't dying in his room.

Another knock.

"Simon, are you okay?"

Theodore.

'_In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. Slow deep breaths. Crap… did he say something. Respond. Respond! Now. Any day would be a good day to comprehend these words in a reasonable time. Simon! Please answer! No- wait… what's going on- I'm in a sea of confusion. Was that a metaphor? What is life? What is this. Simon!'_

"I'm fine! Damn it, Theodore! Leave me the hell alone!"

Silence.

'_Not those words you idiot! You just cussed out your little brother because he was concerned about your well-being.'_

"SHUT UP!" Simon yelled grabbing his head. Blood dripped from the cuts onto his shirt and face. Tears were flowing out in streams and everything was just a blur.

Whimpering.

"I'm s-sorry, Simon… I just-t heard y-your door slam, and I-I wanted to make sure you were o-okay…" Theodore sobbed through the door. The sound of his foot-steps grew fainter as he retreated back to his room.

'_**Clearly you are a bully.'**_

'_You have absolutely no room to talk!' _

Simon curled up into a ball and wrapped his arms around himself as he cried on the floor. He clenched the pocket-knife tightly in his hand.

"W-why does this have to happen to me-e." Simon sobbed.

'_**You wanna learn how to avoid another problem? Go wash your face an arms before you get caught.'**_

Simon tried to calm himself down. It was right. All he had to do was get from his room to the bathroom and all would be fine. He could change into his pjs and go straight to bed. No all he had to do was make it to the bathroom without anyone seeing him in this state.

'_Maybe I should just pull an Alvin. Act now, think later.'_

Deciding that he was too mentally drained, he got up from the floor and walked towards his door and unlocked it. He peeked out into the hall to make sure it was clear and then sprinted as best as he could and shut the bathroom door quickly and silently. Simon looked at himself in the mirror. He looked disgusting. His fur was matted on his cheeks from his tears, and it clumped together from the blood. His eyes were red and swollen from all the crying. His lips were still bruised from earlier that day. His whole body felt sweaty, clammy, and over-all he felt like utter shit. He needed a shower. Why not? It would feel good on his aching muscles.

Simon started up the water to the shower and let it warm up. He took off his shirt being careful not to hurt the fresh wounds. He piled his clothes onto the floor not really bothering if they got wet or not. He slowly stepped in the shower and let the water cascade over his body. His world was spinning as the warm water soothed the aching muscles and the steam blurred his vision even more; everything felt like a dream and all he could do was slip in and out of actuality.

After washing up he gathered his clothes and did the best he could to get the blood stains off his blue hoodie.

'_Please come out! I don't want to have to throw this one away! I'm running out of excuses.'_

**_page break_**

"Do you two know what's wrong with Simon?" Dave asked his two present sons at dinner. Theodore flinched at hearing his name. He was still shocked that the calm and reserved member of the family had actually said what he had said. __

"No… but he didn't eat at lunch. Again." Alvin said poking his peas with his fork.

"I've noticed he falls asleep right when we're about to have dinner. I'm worried about him. Does he look like he's losing weight to you guys?"

"We have PE together. I swear, he's lighter than half the girls in our class."

"I'm going to go and wake him up. He needs to eat." Dave said getting up from the table.

A million thoughts were running though his head. Was Simon starving himself on purpose because he wanted to lose weight? Was it a body image issue? Where had he gone wrong as a parent? He thought he raised healthy, self-aware children. He would always love them no matter what, and it hurt him to know that one of them was keeping a secret such as this.

Dave knocked on Simon's door before jiggling the knob a bit. Locked again. He didn't even know why he had even bothered. Simon had had his door locked 24-7 since the end of 6th grade. He reached for the key that he had placed at the top of the door frame. Dave didn't like to use it unless he had to because he figured if his kids had the door locked, it was because they wanted to be left alone. He didn't want to over-step their privacy until he had to. Now was one of those times.

As he walked into the room, he noticed Simon wrapped up in his covers like a caterpillar in a cocoon. His hair was wet and he had already changed into his pjs. Dave could tell he had been sleeping for at least an hour. While he didn't want to wake Simon up, he knew it was for the best. He gently shook Simon in an attempt to get him up, but the boy remained motionless.

'_He must have had a rough day_…' Dave thought sadly. He tried again, only this time a little harder. Simon awoke slowly opening his eyes, but flinched slightly at the touch. Dave picked up on this motion however, and he had a feeling someone had been grabbing Simon in ways they shouldn't. Or maybe he was startled. Either way, he didn't want to jump to conclusions.

"Simon, you need to eat. We're having casserole and peas. You like casserole." Dave said hoping to encourage the teen to join the meal.

"No thanks. I'm not really hungry." Simon replied wirily.

"You haven't eaten dinner with us in forever. In fact, I rarely see you anymore. And according to your brother, you didn't eat at lunch." Dave said sternly.

"I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich." Simon said with his eyes closed. He just wanted to sleep.

"Well, that was six hours ago. You're going to eat with us, Simon."

Not having the strength to argue, Simon decided to suck it up and at least go downstairs. Maybe getting out of bed would be good enough for him and he could go back to sleep. He slowly moved his body from out under the covers and grabbed his glasses. Dave smiled. At least he was making some progress. The two of them walked downstairs and back into the kitchen. Theodore avoided eye contact with Simon when he entered the room. He didn't want to cry again, and he definitely wasn't going to cry in front the rest of the family. Dave took a small spoonful of casserole and peas and put them on Simon's plate. He looked back at the food. There was no way he could even stomach a forth of that!

"So, how was your day, Simon?" Dave asked. He needed him to talk.

"Average." On some degree it was. The usual set of taunts in the morning was followed by almost being beaten to a bloody pulp because he didn't get Nathan and group's homework all done. After that, he and Nathan usually got some one-on-one time—although today was much worse than most other days.

"What happened to your lips?"

"I ran into a wall." Simon muttered. This was the last conversation he needed right now.

"Earlier today, it was PE even though we didn't have it." Alvin said.

"What?" Dave asked. "Did I miss something?"

"No-"

"He came to the lunch room and his lips were all bruised and puffy—they look a little better now than before. They weren't like that this morning." Alvin noted.

"Did someone hit you Simon?" Dave said getting defensive over his son.

"No. I'll tell you what I told them. I ran into a wall." Simon said coldly. He narrowed his eyes at Alvin. "That's all that happened. Right Alvin?"

"Right…" Alvin said slowly.

"You haven't touched your food Si. Why don't you eat at least one bite of the casserole." Dave begged slightly.

Simon looked at the noodles. No. Just no. They were going to be slimy and have the taste of worms.

"Simon, you're not leaving this dinner table until you have one decent sized bite of something."

He slowly picked up his fork and jabbed it into the pasta. He brought it to his lips and stuck it in his mouth. No. Abort. No… no… nonono. Simon found himself gagging on the food. His stomach ached and his face felt tingly. He was going to throw up again.

'_Not now! I didn't even have to sallow it!'_

'_**Whoa now!'**_

'_The food! I'm talking about the food!'_

'_**Oh, I was talking about the food too, but if we're going there-'**_

'_Shut up!'_

'_**Why are you shocked? This happens everything you eat.' **_

"Simon, are you okay?" Theodore asked nervously. He put aside his fear of being yelled at to make sure Simon wasn't going to die.

Simon spit out the casserole into his napkin. He wiped his mouth, got up, and ran out of the kitchen. The sound of a closing door was heard second later.

"This happened at school too. Well, he left lunch in a hurry." Theodore said quietly.

"I think Simon has an eating disorder." Dave said more to himself than his sons. "Why don't you two skip the dishes tonight. I need some time to think."

Alvin and Theodore looked at each other before walking out of the kitchen in utter silence.

**_page break_**

'_Why? I was perfectly content sleeping. Why does everything in life have to be so hard?'_

'_**Don't stress. Relax. Let life roll off your back. Except for death and paying taxes everything in life is only for now.'**_

**_page break_**

**Review please. **


	3. Who am I

_Breathing._

_Silence. _

_Darkness. _

_A bright light. _

_Reaching up, you see yourself in a mirror. You are surrounded by darkness, but feel as if eyes are watching your every move. _

_Pressure. _

_You're looking into the mirror and see what you expect to see. Yourself._

_Eyes._

_Red eye. _

_They come into view of the mirror. They are squinted and judgmental. They are cold and void of any emotion. You look into the mirror and notice something different. Something about your face is off._

_Laughter._

_You turn around, but there is no one there. The eyes are gone and the room falls silent once again. Your eyes meet the mirror, and another thing is off about you. Your pupils are null of all color and your face seems oddly pale. _

_The sound of a drum._

_Everything about yourself that seemed familiar is warping and changing right in front of your eyes. Your face is so thin that you can clearly see the bones that make up your skull. Your clothing is becoming too big and shreds to pieces. You're shrinking and falling into an abyss of sound. _

_The drum beats louder._

_Voices._

"_You're worthless!"_

"_You are a disgrace to your family!"_

"_Please, just end your life now and don't procreate!"_

"_I hope you do something really stupid and die."_

_You hit the floor with an unforgiving thud. The falling is over. As you look up you are met with your face. It's much bigger than you are and slightly transparent. It opens its mouth to speak. Its teeth are sharp and its voice is gruff. _

"_You've disappointed me."_

**_page break_**

Simon awoke with a quick jerk. His face was sweaty and he could feel tears in his eyes. His room was pitch black and everything was blurry. What had happened? He couldn't remember what had happened after dinner. When did he get back into his bed? What was going on?

'_It was just a dream.'_

'_**I hope you enjoyed the show.'**_

'_You're responsible for this?' _

'_**Perhaps.'**_

'_Why?'_

'_**Maybe you should figure you what it means.'**_

'_I don't know. I don't know! Why are you torching me in my sleep?'_

'_**I thought we've been over this. I am you…'**_

'_Okay, and…'_

'_**I'll let you think about. But for now, I think it's time for you to go to bed.'**_

'_I'm scared…' ___

'_**Sometimes you are your own worst enemy.'**_

**_page break_**

"Simon, wake up!" Dave said shaking him. Just like last night Simon didn't move. Dave sighed. These behaviors were becoming more repetitive than ever, and it worried him. Dave used to never have to wake Simon up in the mornings, but now, quiet frequently, he found himself in Simon's bedroom at least 3 times a week shaking him up.

"Simon, you need to get ready for school." Dave tried again. Nothing.

"Right now, Simon." Dave said sharply. Simon's head shot up at the sound of his tone. He almost let the tears fall when he woke up. That voice. Harsh and gruff… just like his dream… just like the bullies at school. The sound he heard when he was about to be hit. It was void of emotion and cold. It was raw and evil.

"Please don't hit me." Simon managed to squeak out putting his hands over his face as if the defend himself. Dave was immediately taken back from Simon's tone and reaction. What was going on? Simon seemed so skittish. Dave had to do a mental double take.

"Hit you?! Simon, I would never hit you. Or anyone for that matter!" Dave said while raising an eyebrow. Simon seemed to be in a daze. Dave picked up his glasses and gently placed them on his son's face. Simon's eyes jumped around as if they were either trying to focus or look for something.

"I don't feel good." Simon said quietly. Dave put his hands on his face. He did feel warm, but that may have just been because he was under those hot covers. Dave also noticed that Simon half flinched when he brought his hands to his face. Something was wrong, and he needed to get Simon to speak. If Simon wanted play sick, then so be it, but he was going to have to talk.

"You feel warm. I'll go get the thermometer." Dave said getting up from the bed.

'_He fell for it...'_

'_**Something's not right…'**_

'_Hush.'_

"Here you go." Dave said sitting back down on Simon's bed. Simon placed the thermometer in his mouth pressing his tongue firmly against the metal tip hoping it would heat it up more. There was a brief moment of silence, and Dave took this chance to see if he could read Simon. He knew something was off, but he wasn't quite sure he knew what it was just yet. He knew Simon was mentally weak; that was a fact. But the reason why? Dave had yet to come to a conclusion. The thermometer beeped signaling that it was done. Dave took it out of Simon's mouth and read his temperature as normal, but he wasn't going to tell him that. Not yet anyways.

"100.7. I think you should stay home." Dave said.

'_It worked!'_

Simon nodded as he laid his head back onto the pillow.

"You know, I think I'll stay home with you today." Dave said getting off Simon's bed. Simon's head shot up. He didn't plan on that. In fact, the last thing Simon wanted was for Dave to stay home. After last night's throwing up incident, he knew that Dave was going to watch him like a hawk.

"You don't have to do that, Dave! Honest! I um… think it's best if you go to work." Simon replied trying to keep his voice steady. He could feel one of his heart start to rapidly beat.

"Nonsense. If you're not feeling well, then I think it's best if I stay home with you." Dave said as he walked out of the teen's room shutting the door softy behind him.

"But-"

'_**Ooo... ouch!'**_

'_You are a massive twat, you know that?'_

'_**Hm… what like you?'**_

'_That doesn't make any sense.'_

'_**Well, you like boys…'**_

'_Oh shut up! Are you implying I'm on the bottom?'_

'_**We both know it's true. I just love talking with you.'**_

'_I can't say the same.'_

'_**So, figure anything out about that dream.'**_

'_Why don't you just leave me alone and tell me what that meant.'_

'_**Sometimes, in life, you have to work for the answer. They can't be handed to you on a silver platter.'**_

'_You're worse than my English teacher!'_

'_**Am I worse than Nathan?'**_

'…'

'_**Maybe we're equals?'**_

'…'

'_**I'll let you think about all this for a while.'**_

**_page break_**


End file.
